Lessons from a Red State

1) Never underestimate the value of Dr. Phil
I realized yesterday as my mother went into her upteenth Dr. Phil diatribe for me that perhaps I should have started a "Number of Times my mom mentions his word as gospel" column for the blog. I know now that my problems will be solved once I start going to church and watching Dr. Phil.

2) Never underestimate how long it takes for a fashion 'no' to reach the heartland. I know this has been said before, but I was shocked, SHOCKED, at my sister's blatant disregard for the warnings...
So, I was headed out the door the other day, reaching for the doorknob, and gasped at what was approaching me - my younger sister, headed home from a friend's house, sporting an outfit radically different than what she wore the night before: her friend had re-dressed her in a baby blue sweatshirt, light yellow sweatpants, and yes, dear friends, pale pink Uggs. I hurried her inside and immediately proceeded to tell her that A) it's Christmas, not Easter, and B) Uggs, much less pale pink ones, had their moment on Kate Hudson's feet in the summer of 2002. Anything since then is a big fat no.
I'm quite confident, however, that I'll be still seeing those big fat animal hair mukluk- thingys when I visit my favorite Red State until at least Christmas 2007.

3) Never underestimate the simultaneous conversational starting and ending power of an ex-boyfriend's name, also from the Red State.
I like to think that I've done several pretty cool things over the last couple of years - met a couple of movie stars, published some articles, worked on an amazing documentary, and yes, even managed to trick some guys into a couple of drinks, er dates. So, it's always a little disconcerting to arrive back in my Red State and hear (in the appropriate regional Southern twang), "How's XX," or "I heard you and XX went out a couple of times up there in NYC," or "Oh yeah, YOU"RE Ketty Ket - I'm friends with XX."
TWO YEARS ago I dated XX. I'm trying to remember what was hot then:
8 Mile and Eminem's soundtrack
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Jackass: The Movie
ohmygod, I forgot - it was the Jenny from the Block, period, people, Jenny from the Block! Bennifer was just beginning its assault on us. (Incidentally, the fashion-forwardly 'real' Jenny is wearing the aforementioned furry Uggs in some of these pix)
Apparently, fur was THE FASHION, not just on J. Lo's Uggs:

Ok, you get the picture. I'm seriously starting to worry that I'm going to need to get married and start popping out babies real soon in order to get people to shut up about XX.

4) Never underestimate the Breaking News impact of your Red State newspaper's headline: The Gift of Their Presence: Jewish Volunteers Give Christians the Day Off
I know - surprised, aren't you? There are some Jewish people here, but they only come out on our holidays to give us notoriously hard-working Christians a well-deserved break.