Who died and made Martha Stuart Queen?

Did any one watch Martha Stuart's show last night? Good. Me neither. It appears that no one is watching Martha's show. So since none of us are watching I figured now would be a perfect time to give you all an update of what has not happened on Martha's show.

Episode 1- ESCAPE FROM CAMP CUPCAKE- After freshly being released from jail, Martha teaches her viewers how even the most innocuous objects may be transformed into a flesh shredding shiv. While sharpening the edge of a KFC acquired Spork, Martha flashes back to her last days inside the hideous camp cupcake.

Martha, in jail, is seen fermenting a fruity prison wine from drain cleaner and cat urine. She is approached by the warden who requests she share the profits from her "distillery." Martha, being the selfish bitch she is, refuses to allow any non-capital contributing bitches in her limited partnership. The warden, upset, reaches for her billy club, but Martha is quicker and pulls from her scarf a kitting pin which she then uses to jab the warden over ten times quickly. She wipes from her hands all the blood and then resumes the inmates in a game of bridge-rumi. She is never accused of the crime and her moonshining business continues.

By the end of the show, Martha shows the viewers what parts of the body are most vulnerable to a plastic shiv. She points to the kidnies and throat as excellent points to stun an enemy in its tracks. She then takes questions from the audience. The first question is how many times should the enemy be stabbed. With an evil but courteous grin she replies "10."

Episode 2- LIFE ON THE OUTSIDE. The show begins with Martha entertaining a live studio audience while she is inhaling lines of cocaine. She talks quickly and violently, "I dont know why my daughter is such a bitch. I dont know maybe its because she's got syphillis. Why cant she let me be free. Im free too like a bird, like a bird, like a bird." Martha falls asleep. The producers of the show try to awake her. After an awkward 10 minutes of dead time she arises with a bloody nose and an idea... Pestacio Pancakes. She quickly runs to the kitchen where she wips out Pestacio pancakes in the remaining time. The studio audience is jubilant. Martha reins supreme. And the street value of cocaine is at an all time high.

Episode 3- Martha gets fired for spending all day writing short little blurbs about her failed show. Oh wait that's me.